My wife has gained a lot of weight, but she’s had a lot on her plate lately.
I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what shocked him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
The boss placed a sign directly over the sink in the men's room at work. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day when the boss went to the men's room, he saw another sign had been placed immediately above the soap dispenser. It read: "Thoap!”
My wife left me because she said I'm addicted to oxy-morons. She was pretty-ugly anyway.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Remember…………………….. only YOU can prevent florist friars.
Very few things upset my wife, so I feel pretty special being one of them.
I was looking through the microscope at my wife's DNA and I thought, "Those genes DO make her look fat.”
I bought my girl friend a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking stuffer.